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Tibetan Monk
A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence that allows him
to say only two words each year. After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket,
and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, “More blankets.” Another year passes,
and he visits the head monk and says, “More food.” The man goes through another year eating good meals and sleeping
well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, “I’m
leaving.”
“Good,” the head monk replies. “You’ve done nothing
but complain since you got here.”
Cough Syrup
The owner of a drug store walks in to find
a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s
with that guy over there by the wall?
The clerk says, “Well, he came in
here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough
syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”
Bus Incident
A woman got
on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare
box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why,
he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up
there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey."
Blacksmith Apprentice
An apprentice blacksmith was told by his boss to make a hammer.
Having not not the slightest idea how to begin, the lad thought he'd be crafty and nip out and buy one. He duly showed the
new hammer to his boss, who said, "That's excellent boy! Now make fifty more just like it!"
The Hot Air Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised
my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you
are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is,
you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
(On September
17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because
if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I
would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA
contest.
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"Smoking kills. If you're
killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields,
during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I'm not going to have
some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president." (we are????)
--Hillary Clinton commenting
on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
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"Whenever I watch TV and
see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Outside of the killings,
Washington
has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington, DC.
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"I've never had major
knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston
Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"It is wonderful to be here in the great
state of Chicago."
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America,
and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
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"It isn't pollution that's harming
the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (Gee but he's smart)
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"Half this game is ninety
percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"That lowdown scoundrel
deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A
congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's
imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will
be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of
Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart,
they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark
S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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"We've got to pause and
ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?" (I say all we can get, I'll
take his clean air)
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't
applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe
Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"If we don't succeed, we run
the risk of failure."
(really???????)
--Bill Clinton, President
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"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
--Wayne Gretzky, hockey player
"We don't necessarily discriminate.
We simply exclude certain types of people." (Oh, well that's different, I think)??????
--Colonel Gerald Wellman,
ROTC Instrutor.
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"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
Former
French President Charles de Gaulle
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David
Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"The Internet is a great way to
get on the Net."
Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were
before."
Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Jason
Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are."
Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
Boston's Mayor
Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips
on, but they take them off."
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000
for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank
Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"The president has kept all of the promises he intended
to keep." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on 'Larry King Live'
"After finding no qualified candidates for
the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused
in the public mind." General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
"I've seen Poland and talked with the
people and I know that Poland is not under Soviet domination." President Gerald Ford in 1976 debate with Jimmy Carter
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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