Texas Chili Contest
Topic: funny stuff
Texas Chili Contest

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - JERRYS AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - HANKS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 SANDIES LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - JOHNS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -PATS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - RANDYS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Church One-Liners
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: ramblings
Christian One-Liners

Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of
the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn't belong.

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Copilot - swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to ....... discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

Long day...
Topic: funny stuff
Robin: "Give me a break, Bryan, it's been a long day..."

I glance at the clock. "It's 8:03am!"

Mount St. Helens' mini-eruption
Topic: informative
Mt. St. Helens erupts again

Wednesday, 3.9.05

MOUNT ST. HELENS, Wash. -- Mount St. Helens released a towering plume of ash Tuesday, its most significant emission in months but one that seismologists did not believe heralded any major eruption.

The volcano has vented ash and steam since last fall, when thousands of small earthquakes marked a seismic reawakening of the 8,364-foot mountain.

Late afternoon television footage showed the plume billowing thousands of feet into the air, then drifting slowly to the northeast.

The ash explosion happened around 5:25 p.m., about an hour after a 2.0 magnitude quake rumbled on the east side of the mountain, said Bill Steele, coordinator of the Pacific Northwest Seismograph Network at the University of Washington.

Steele said he did not believe the explosion had increased the risk of a significant eruption and noted that recent flights over the volcano's crater did not reveal high levels of gases.

"We don't expect another explosion," said Peggy Johnson, a university seismologist.

Steele said the ash burst may have been triggered by the partial collapse of a lava dome in the crater, which has been growing steadily over the last several months.

"Until we get a better view in the crater we won't know," Steele said.

Johnson said there had been no increase in quake activity before the explosion.

"The seismicity had been continuing just as it had been," she said.

On May 18, 1980, the volcano 100 miles south of Seattle blew its top, killing 57 people and covering the region with gritty ash.

Mount St. Helens rumbled back to life Sept. 23, with shuddering seismic activity that peaked above magnitude 3 as hot magma broke through rocks in its path. Molten rock reached the surface Oct. 11, marking resumption of dome-building activity that had stopped in 1986.

Scientists have said a more explosive eruption, possibly dropping ash within a 10-mile radius of the crater, is possible at any time.

(Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Happy Birthday Lisa!
Topic: informative
Today is my sister's birthday... # 28!

Happy Birthday sis...I love ya!

May John Paul II live on
Topic: worthy read
My favorite paragraph has got to be:

"In an age that at times seems on the verge of collapsing into its own mush of moral relativism, self-idolatry and existential vacuity, his leadership is a constant, inspiring reminder that Man is still capable of reaching beyond his animal instincts and his selfish gene to something genuinely divine."

**************************************************

Gerard Baker

February 11, 2005

May John Paul II live on
Gerard Baker
His enemies want him out, but we need the Pope's example of courage and dignity more than ever

A SIZEABLE component of the world’s media, and parts of the broader public, have been on a rather unseemly papal death watch for some time now. In scenes reminiscent of the last chaotic days of the Soviet Union, when Communist Party leaders were croaking with the frequency of laryngitic frogs, the world’s broadcasters, newspaper editors and commentators have been readying their battle plans.
Teams of journalists stand ready to pack their bags for Rome at a moment’s notice. In every university in Christendom, theologians have been dredged up to pronounce with great solemnity on the “legacy” of this Pope. While they are at it, of course, they will also be duped into playing the world’s most exciting but futile guessing game: who will be the next Pope? Designers will have been primed to produce imaginative graphics for the conclave — expect 3-D images of the Sistine Chapel and lots of little red hats.

Given the hair-trigger nature of the preparations for this massive media event, the first papal succession of the CNN-internet era, you can imagine the excitement a couple of weeks ago when the Pope was admitted suddenly to the Gemelli hospital in Rome. The balloon was going up.

Around the world, canon law edicts and obscure cardinals’ biographies were consulted as feverishly as Alitalia timetables. One of my local news stations in Washington, its spirit willing but its resources regrettably weak, headlined the story with a live broadcast to camera from outside a local Catholic church. Urbi et Orbi, I suppose they were thinking.

There is, therefore, a palpable disappointment now that the man has left hospital and it appears that he is not going to die at any minute. But deprived of their evanescent moment of Vatican vanity, not to mention three pleasant weeks in Rome spent pontificating (you will rarely find the word used more aptly) about the state of a Church of which they know nothing, commentators have found something else to get their teeth into.

“Should the Pope resign?” they ask. “Is he not really dead in all but the most technical sense?” What a great wheeze! Those dredged-up theologians and church historians could still come in handy after all. Get them to talk about Celestine V and Gregory XII.

When Cardinal Angelo Sodano, the Vatican’s Secretary of State, gave an apparently cryptic answer to a question about papal resignation this week, the speculation was suddenly given a kind of imprimatur of curial respectability. I say “apparently cryptic” for good reason. What the cardinal said was: “If there is a man who loves the Church more than anybody else, who is guided by the Holy Spirit, if there’s a man who has marvellous wisdom, that’s him. We must have great faith in the Pope. He knows what to do.” That does not sound to me like a call for the Pope to go, but then again, I am not a headline writer.

Ostensibly this little debate touches on some intriguing philosophical and neurophysiological questions. How sick can a pope be before it is determined that he cannot perform his functions? Can a pope who cannot speak, for example, still carry on his duties as head of the Church, the leader of his worldwide flock? But I would find this frenzy of scantily-informed speculation slightly comical if I did not suspect the motives of most of those who seem anxious to have it.

The truth is that, dead or alive, as someone might put it in another context, they want this Pope gone. Whether it is a choking fit or the Camerlengo’s signature, the Pope’s enemies, all those secularist pundits of omniscient modernity, want him out.

I will confess that I know little about the precise prognosis for Parkinson’s or the dogmatic deliberations at the curia, though I thought the Pope himself had spoken fairly clearly about his intentions when he was admitted for surgery on his hip a decade ago: “Doctor,” he said to a surgeon somewhat nervous about his onerous responsibility, “neither you nor I have any choice. You have to cure me because there is no room for a pope emeritus.”

I certainly do not have any special insight into his capacity to discharge his specific papal duties but I will say this: as long as John Paul II is Pope, the rest of us can count ourselves unusually privileged to be alive with him.

In an age that at times seems on the verge of collapsing into its own mush of moral relativism, self-idolatry and existential vacuity, his leadership is a constant, inspiring reminder that Man is still capable of reaching beyond his animal instincts and his selfish gene to something genuinely divine.

Pope John Paul’s life is a long and brave testament to the overwhelming power of human dignity in the face of evil. He saw his native land ravaged by one vile ideology in the 1940s. Improbably, and dramatically, installed in Rome 40 years later, he was the dominant figure in an astonishing triumph over another.

His papacy has borne further witness to his staggering courage — personal and moral; taking his message of hope, love and peace to more of humanity than anyone before him. He is accused by his enemies of a rigid conservatism. What they mean by that is an unstinting refusal to march with the popular will, to ratify through doctrinal approval a steady slide down the path of amorality.

Above all, in his own twilight of pain and suffering he reminds us of the insuperable force that is love for human life. His defence of the weakest — from the poorest souls in beleaguered corners of dark continents, to the discarded unborn, to the inconvenient elderly and disabled ripe for the final syringe — challenges all to think again about our obligation to our fellow man.

He is, and will remain, as long as he has breath in him, a beacon of hope for the lost and loveless. He is truly a pontiff, the bridge between God and his people, in Chesterton’s words “a landmark, walling in the plain”. I hope — and not just to confound the ghoulish pundits — that he lives to 100.

gerard.baker@thetimes.co.uk

15 cents...
Topic: ramblings
I was walking from my apartment to my car when I noticed a man digging through the dumpster outside. I don't know why, but my first thought was that he had lost something in the dumpster and was trying to retrieve it.

As I walked by he said, "How's it going, my good man?"

"Pretty good," I said. "And yourself?"

"Just found 15 cents," he said, "so I can't complain."

In Oregonian lingo, "15 cents" would mean he found 3 pop cans or recyclable bottles which he could later redeem for 5 cents each.

I noticed he sure was a cheerful man for having to dig through the trash to find 15 cents...

"When was the last time you looked at a bank statement?"
Topic: people who need help
So I get a call today from a woman asking about a "$30 charge" she saw on her account. Turns out, the $30 came out for an insurance policy she signed up for. "AD&D" appears on her statement, and it stands for Accidental Death & Dismemberment (Insurance). I explain to her that the insurance is set up by the member in the event that either the primary or joint member should be accidentally killed or dismembered, then the insurance company will pay them according to their insurance policy. The details of what exactly the $30 per quarter (three months) actually would give our member can only be found by contacting the insurance company.

So, I gave her the 800 # and told her they could give her all of the information she needs, as well as cancel the policy if she so chooses. She thanked me and got off the phone.

I was then curious to see how long she had been paying this $30/quarter (essentially $10/month or $120/year). After some quick research, I found out she had been paying this since *at least* August of 1996. Perhaps even longer, but that's as far back as the computer would let me search. She's been paying this for at least 8 years and didn't even know it...seriously...*shakes head in disbelief*

Seinfeld
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Seinfeld - Episode # 139:
Topic: sitcom funnies
Compliments of www.SeinfeldScripts.com.

From: Episode # 139 - "The Package"

Jerry opens his package.
Jerry : Is this my stereo?
Kramer walks in.
Kramer : Hey you got it.
Jerry : What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
Kramer : That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund.
Kramer : You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer : It's just a write off for them.
Jerry : How is it a write off?
Kramer : They just write it off.
Jerry : Write it off what?
Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything.
Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is.
Kramer : Do you?
Jerry : No. I don't.
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.

Pet peeve # 2,347,843
Topic: ramblings
Here's another notch for my "pet peeve" belt...

A member calls in today to talk about his account and puts me on hold after a few minutes. He then comes back a few minutes later and talks again about his account. He then asks me to hold on again, only this time he didn't mute me. So I hear in the backgroung him saying...

"Welcome to Jack In The Box, may I take your order?"

The guy was FREAKIN' WORKING while he was calling to talk about his account!

It wouldn't have bugged me so much if I didn't have to repeat myself 3 times to get his story straight...

...geez...